You’ve tried the breathing exercises. You’ve done the body scan meditation. But somehow, you still can’t truly relax.
Why?
The answer might lie in what you’re holding onto—and how tightly you’re gripping it.
The Rich Man Who Couldn’t Open His Hands
There’s an old story about this. A long time ago in a county in China, there lived a very rich man named Chao.
Chao owned most of the fields in the county and a number of shipping companies. He was also incredibly stingy. He’d ration food for his children and have a new shirt only once every ten years or so.
This stinginess caused suffering for him and everyone around him.
“What to do?” His family and fellow county-folks lamented.
“Let me talk to him.” The county monk said.
The monk entered Chao’s home and sat down, clenching his fists tight. They made small talk. They shared jokes and hung out for a while. However, the monk never opened his fists.
Overcome with burning curiosity, Chao finally asked: “Venerable, what happened to your hands?”
The monk replied, “I have a condition. I can only hold onto things.”
“Oh, that’s a terrible disability,” Chao said sympathetically. “I’m so sorry for you.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to show you,” the monk agreed.
With that, he got up and walked out the door.
Chao was surprised by this encounter and puzzled over it for a long time. Eventually, he was able to change his stinginess and became a much happier man.
We’re All Like Chao
A lot of us, including myself, are kind of like Chao when we go through life.
It seems easier to hold onto things than to let them go. When we go to work, we have deadlines, presentations, and difficult coworkers. When we come home, we have children, parents, and partners. As adults, we all have responsibilities.
That’s called grown-up life.
Having responsibilities isn’t the problem. The problem is that we hold onto them, like how Chao can’t put them down.
Please reply below: Have you been on a vacation that’s supposed to be relaxing, but all you could think about was stuff back home or at work?
That’s what I mean.
When we are at work, it is the right thing to do to work and meet the deadlines. But when we are with our family, it also the right thing to do to put work down and care for our small children or aging parents.
When it comes time to rest, it is good for our health to put all of those down and just rest one hundred percent. At least that’s what the intellect can aspire to.
The Practice of Putting Things Down
In practice, putting it down is often something that’s easier said than done. Especially now that we have the culture of doing too much, all the time.
That’s where meditation practice comes in.
We rest our attention on just the breath as we meditate. This method guides us to notice our thoughts about work, children, family drama, or other stressors we hold onto—and then to put them down and bring our attention back to the breath.
This simple practice—noticing what we’re gripping, putting it down, returning to breath—gradually teaches us to truly relax. Not just on vacation. Not just on the cushion. But in the middle of life.
The exercise of noticing, putting down, and returning to the breath right here, right now will gradually enable us to fully relax when we need to.
Your Turn to Unclench
The next time you notice your mind won’t let go of work, deadlines, worries—remember Chao and his clenched fists.
You have a choice. You can learn to put things down.
Time after time, I take refuge in my practice when confronted with responsibilities that feel overwhelming. It teaches me the difference between carrying something skillfully and gripping it so tightly it causes suffering.
If Chao could learn to open his hands after a lifetime of holding tight, we can too.
And it won’t cost you a thing.